Aunti M's Covid FAQ

Martha here.  Aunti M has been deluged with questions about the pandemic, social isolation and whether it is true that vegans have a better chance.  She wants to share with you all some of her latest thoughts.  I need to tell you that she is on her second toddy, and it is only 10 a.m., but she's happy and who's counting.

Damn straight, who's counting.  Alcohol is recommended for all kinds of germ killing right?  We know how you would feel if something happened to your Aunti M.  Rest assured, I am making certain my insides are inhospitable to Covids of any Number.  And I've had a brilliant idea, one of many.  But I need your help spreading the word.


You all know there's this awful shortage of masks, right?  At the very same time, sports of all kinds have been cancelled.  PeeWee to Olympics. Think about it: all those jockstraps suddenly with nothing to do.  Freed up.  Ready to go.  A little run through the washer - or not if the need is truly urgent - cut the back strap to make adjustable ties, and there we are.  You might have to sew together three or four of the peewees, but easily enough done.  All those sewing machines sitting idle.  Let me know what you think. Meanwhile, here are a few of your questions.

Q. Aunti M,  I read a story about Boober Eats, strippers out of work delivering your very own meal.  Where can I sign up? And would I have to stay six feet away?

I could not be more proud of my profession.  Imagine having one of our perkier members show up on your stoop, burgers and fries in a bag, pasties front and center.  Even if you were sick with the coronavirus, that would give you a reason to live, would it not?

I do want to express, however, the tiniest disappointment.  Your Aunti M went down there to apply for the job.  Showed them my very Emeritus membership. I was even dressed, or semi-dressed I should say, under my red plastic raincoat, the one with the gold stars, ready to show them my credentials.

"That is okay," they kept saying.  "That is just fine.  We don't need to see that," which made me feel really good that they trusted me completely.  Anyway, evidently they already had more applications than they needed.  They kept saying they did not need mine.  I could not be prouder of my girls, always ready to be of service.

Q. Aunti M, there is a governor in Texas that says old people should be prepared to go first.  I don't understand that.  It's not like there's a quota of people who have to die, sacrificed to the Covid god, and if you volunteer, you save a 10-year-old in Moldova, right?

I have never been good at math, but no, I don't think that is the way it works.  And here's the truth, one of the reasons this thing is spreading like it is is because we are too damn busy and moving too damn fast. Old people know about slowing down. And they are more likely to have been in Scouts back when being a Scout leader was a no doubt honorable thing to do.  The motto was "Be prepared" not "check your phone," like it is now.  How many times have you walked into an old person's home and questioned why they had to keep every one of those prune containers?  Stuffed into the cabinet just in case.  Martha is always trying to get me to throw away all kinds of valuable merchandise.  But who has pulled out of the trash almost empty toilet paper rolls, for years and years, eh?  Just in case.  Paying attention, that's who.


Q.  Well, I'm not sure that's what I was asking, or if that is the answer, but it does piss me off that now old people get to go first at Harris Teeter.  Get their very own hours plus a 5% discount on Thursdays.

First of all, I don't see you out of bed that early.  And secondly, you just wait.  For a lot of those people, not your Aunti M of course, going to the Harris Teeter with a fistful of coupons is the highlight of their day.  They come home to (slowly) put away their groceries and that's it.  No family, no one to pay them a visit, to show interest in their lives.  Now that you've got some time on your hands, maybe you could go sit on the porch with them, safe distance.  Take your own nip, mind you, enough to share, adds pizzazz to instant iced tea.  Get them to tell you a story.  Tell them one.  Then maybe they'll share with you a prune container stuffed with toilet paper ends - only a slight mark-up.

Well, I think that is all for Aunti M today.  She has nodded off, still on the porch.  Beautiful Spring.  Keep sending in your questions. And stay safe. . .