Martha here. Aunti M has been deluged with questions about the pandemic, social isolation and whether it is true that vegans have a better chance. She wants to share with you all some of her latest thoughts. I need to tell you that she is on her second toddy, and it is only 10 a.m., but she's happy and who's counting.
Damn straight, who's counting. Alcohol is recommended for all kinds of germ killing right? We know how you would feel if something happened to your Aunti M. Rest assured, I am making certain my insides are inhospitable to Covids of any Number. And I've had a brilliant idea, one of many. But I need your help spreading the word.
You all know there's this awful shortage of masks, right? At the very same time, sports of all kinds have been cancelled. PeeWee to Olympics. Think about it: all those jockstraps suddenly with nothing to do. Freed up. Ready to go. A little run through the washer - or not if the need is truly urgent - cut the back strap to make adjustable ties, and there we are. You might have to sew together three or four of the peewees, but easily enough done. All those sewing machines sitting idle. Let me know what you think. Meanwhile, here are a few of your questions.
Q. Aunti M, I read a story about Boober Eats, strippers out of work delivering your very own meal. Where can I sign up? And would I have to stay six feet away?
I could not be more proud of my profession. Imagine having one of our perkier members show up on your stoop, burgers and fries in a bag, pasties front and center. Even if you were sick with the coronavirus, that would give you a reason to live, would it not?
I do want to express, however, the tiniest disappointment. Your Aunti M went down there to apply for the job. Showed them my very Emeritus membership. I was even dressed, or semi-dressed I should say, under my red plastic raincoat, the one with the gold stars, ready to show them my credentials.
"That is okay," they kept saying. "That is just fine. We don't need to see that," which made me feel really good that they trusted me completely. Anyway, evidently they already had more applications than they needed. They kept saying they did not need mine. I could not be prouder of my girls, always ready to be of service.
Q. Aunti M, there is a governor in Texas that says old people should be prepared to go first. I don't understand that. It's not like there's a quota of people who have to die, sacrificed to the Covid god, and if you volunteer, you save a 10-year-old in Moldova, right?
I have never been good at math, but no, I don't think that is the way it works. And here's the truth, one of the reasons this thing is spreading like it is is because we are too damn busy and moving too damn fast. Old people know about slowing down. And they are more likely to have been in Scouts back when being a Scout leader was a no doubt honorable thing to do. The motto was "Be prepared" not "check your phone," like it is now. How many times have you walked into an old person's home and questioned why they had to keep every one of those prune containers? Stuffed into the cabinet just in case. Martha is always trying to get me to throw away all kinds of valuable merchandise. But who has pulled out of the trash almost empty toilet paper rolls, for years and years, eh? Just in case. Paying attention, that's who.
Q. Well, I'm not sure that's what I was asking, or if that is the answer, but it does piss me off that now old people get to go first at Harris Teeter. Get their very own hours plus a 5% discount on Thursdays.
First of all, I don't see you out of bed that early. And secondly, you just wait. For a lot of those people, not your Aunti M of course, going to the Harris Teeter with a fistful of coupons is the highlight of their day. They come home to (slowly) put away their groceries and that's it. No family, no one to pay them a visit, to show interest in their lives. Now that you've got some time on your hands, maybe you could go sit on the porch with them, safe distance. Take your own nip, mind you, enough to share, adds pizzazz to instant iced tea. Get them to tell you a story. Tell them one. Then maybe they'll share with you a prune container stuffed with toilet paper ends - only a slight mark-up.
Well, I think that is all for Aunti M today. She has nodded off, still on the porch. Beautiful Spring. Keep sending in your questions. And stay safe. . .
Friday, March 27, 2020
Tuesday, March 17, 2020
Aunti M Goes Viral. . .
Martha here. Aunti M is a little pissed off. It has something to do with being government classified as"elderly." From what I can tell, she thinks it outrageous that anyone wearing sequined short shorts should be classified as "old", much less "elderly" which she said is pumped up old and even worse. She's been ranting for awhile. I took her a toddy to calm her down, and she said she was ready for your questions.
Q. Aunti M., Covid 19 is a respiratory illness, right? So why the run on toilet paper?
A.M. Well finally. I've been waiting on this porch for what seems like damn forever. Finally, Martha brought me my toddy, and I've already put in my order for Number Two. And Three while she's at it. And then she moved the rocking chairs six damn feet apart, measuring with a ruler. The world has spun out of control, I'm telling you. I'm not even sure I recognize it. I wake up every morning opening my eyes to what I remember as normal, and then before I get a nip sneaked into my coffee it dawns on me that its all inside out. I can't go anywhere. Nobody much can come see me. And the 52nd annual Strippers and Pole Dancers Emeritus convention has been cancelled! For the first time in 52 years. What the Motel Six down at Highway 29 is going to do without us, I do not know. We've kind of been the highlight for the past several years I don't mind saying. Seeing as how we tend to draw a crowd. Harold, down at the local paper - editor, publisher, reporter and photographer - comes every year, just to see us and take our picture, which always makes it to the front page, above the fold. Unfortunately, our numbers are dwindling. The good news is that everybody but me is spreading so we take up the same amount of space.
But you had a question? Oh, right, about toilet paper. You know, at first glance, and to the normal person, that would seem a mystery. But not to your Aunti M. You came to the right place, sit right over there. Oh good. You brought your own toddy, excellent since the service around here is sketchy on a good day. Here's the thing. If you listen carefully, every time there is another announcement about what they are calling the coronavirus, what happens in your very own brain? Over and over? If you listen you will hear yourself say, "Oh shit." Not just you but everybody around you, over and over. The next thing they tell you about it, "Oh shit." And then the next thing is even worse, "Oh shit" again. And everybody knows that the more often something is in your brain, the more you believe it. In fact, if you think about it, there are a lot of people pretending to be news networks that make millions of dollars just on this one thing! But I digress. So if the main thing that is ping-ponging in your brain over and over is "oh shit, not that too" then when you go into the grocery store thinking you are going to buy light bread and a six-pack, you are going to be what they call subconsciously led over to the toilet paper aisle, and there it goes into your cart. "Sub" stands for where you can't see it, and "con" means a trick, and "scious" is french for hush now, just follow along and don't make trouble. So there you are tricked by your own brain into buying more toilet paper even though you don't have a coupon and its not Super Doubles Thursday with the senior discount.
Q. But Aunti M, what am I going to do with all this toilet paper?
A.M. Honey, if you have to ask for instructions, you need more help than your Aunti M. can give you.
Well, Aunti M has dozed off, but she asked me to tell you that if you had any more questions she would be glad to answer them. After her post-nap toddy, of course. And she wanted you to know that she would stay open for business no matter what happens, as she knows how much you all depend on her.
Q. Aunti M., Covid 19 is a respiratory illness, right? So why the run on toilet paper?
A.M. Well finally. I've been waiting on this porch for what seems like damn forever. Finally, Martha brought me my toddy, and I've already put in my order for Number Two. And Three while she's at it. And then she moved the rocking chairs six damn feet apart, measuring with a ruler. The world has spun out of control, I'm telling you. I'm not even sure I recognize it. I wake up every morning opening my eyes to what I remember as normal, and then before I get a nip sneaked into my coffee it dawns on me that its all inside out. I can't go anywhere. Nobody much can come see me. And the 52nd annual Strippers and Pole Dancers Emeritus convention has been cancelled! For the first time in 52 years. What the Motel Six down at Highway 29 is going to do without us, I do not know. We've kind of been the highlight for the past several years I don't mind saying. Seeing as how we tend to draw a crowd. Harold, down at the local paper - editor, publisher, reporter and photographer - comes every year, just to see us and take our picture, which always makes it to the front page, above the fold. Unfortunately, our numbers are dwindling. The good news is that everybody but me is spreading so we take up the same amount of space.
But you had a question? Oh, right, about toilet paper. You know, at first glance, and to the normal person, that would seem a mystery. But not to your Aunti M. You came to the right place, sit right over there. Oh good. You brought your own toddy, excellent since the service around here is sketchy on a good day. Here's the thing. If you listen carefully, every time there is another announcement about what they are calling the coronavirus, what happens in your very own brain? Over and over? If you listen you will hear yourself say, "Oh shit." Not just you but everybody around you, over and over. The next thing they tell you about it, "Oh shit." And then the next thing is even worse, "Oh shit" again. And everybody knows that the more often something is in your brain, the more you believe it. In fact, if you think about it, there are a lot of people pretending to be news networks that make millions of dollars just on this one thing! But I digress. So if the main thing that is ping-ponging in your brain over and over is "oh shit, not that too" then when you go into the grocery store thinking you are going to buy light bread and a six-pack, you are going to be what they call subconsciously led over to the toilet paper aisle, and there it goes into your cart. "Sub" stands for where you can't see it, and "con" means a trick, and "scious" is french for hush now, just follow along and don't make trouble. So there you are tricked by your own brain into buying more toilet paper even though you don't have a coupon and its not Super Doubles Thursday with the senior discount.
Q. But Aunti M, what am I going to do with all this toilet paper?
A.M. Honey, if you have to ask for instructions, you need more help than your Aunti M. can give you.
Well, Aunti M has dozed off, but she asked me to tell you that if you had any more questions she would be glad to answer them. After her post-nap toddy, of course. And she wanted you to know that she would stay open for business no matter what happens, as she knows how much you all depend on her.
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