Hey everybody, Martha here. Aunti M has shown up again after several months of travel elsewhere. She isn't in a very good mood but she insisted on posting anyway. My apologies in advance. . .
Oh, for Pete's sake. Like she said, I'm back to her house and I have something to say. Lordy, it has been awhile. But then I'm not a believer in opening your trap just because you have one, and I've been busy. First there was that Harley convention at the VFW. Modeling the Latest in Leather for the Senior Fashion Show was a real hoot although honey at my age, I don't recommend the thong. Although I thought it looked great with the thigh-high cowboy boots, at this age there is enough Southern drift that the thong kinda disappeared under the folds and it caused rather a stir. Well, some of those old coots needed a little excitement so I don't mind. It's the least a girl can do to provide a little entertainment from time to time.
From there I went to Alaska where it is too cold for thongs for sure. And although I liked it well enough and would go back if begged, I do have a bone to pick. I am sick and tired of hearing about the damn Bucket List. In the months working up to the trip, as people would ask and I would tell them I was going to Alaska, over and over they would tell me it was on their goldarned Bucket List. Bleah, bleah, bleah. I got so tired of it, I decided to make my own list just to break up the monotony.
So here it is, the Fuckit List and right on top A Number One:
1. The Bucket List. Anybody's. This includes yours. Being where you are right now, doing what you are doing right now, is a helluva lot more important to pay attention to. Manchu Picchu just sounds more romantic than the checkout line at Wal-Mart. Pay attention anyway.
Number 2. Most Churches. For Pete's sake wake up and smell the bullshit. If somebody up front is telling you you need to go inside their building and believe in only what they've got to say, wake the hell up. This is just shorthand for "you got it, they don't" which only causes separation anxiety which leads to war. And watch out, there's an offering plate coming your way so you can fully express your gratitude to the Church for helping you realize how right you are and how fortunate not to be those other people who don't get it. Go to the woods, any woods - and this is important: without any electronic device. Sit still. Stay with the restlessness long enough to begin to hear. God speaks on your channel too. You just have to tune in.
3. People walking around talking out loud into the air. I swear I want to slap these people. And you if you are one of them. How did their business get so important it needed to be broadcast. I didn't tune into that channel. Air pollution.
4. Big corporations pretending to be your friend. Where the hell does the Giant-Ass power company get off asking me to contribute to them so supposedly they can give poor people a break on their over-inflated electric bill when the whole company is geared toward generating extra money for people who already have extra money to gamble in the stock market? Supposedly, this ruse is so I'll feel all warm and fuzzy toward this company trying to help the poor - with my money not theirs that with the sanction of the government, they extracted from me and all the others like me in the first place?
5. Monsanto. What planet are these people on? One without children and grandchildren evidently. The Kool-Aid must be mighty strong. Maybe it has Roundup in it, that kills off any logical thinking. We already have proof it causes brain damage in children. Maybe this is another side effect.
6. Having anybody else tell you what is or isn't good for you. Especially corporations. Except Aunti M. You know what is good for you and what isn't, way down deep, and if you don't, test it, but just a little bit for crying out loud. Burying the gas pedal on something you are trying for the first time is for idiots, whether that's tattoos or magnesium for constipation. Start Little. Start Slow. Trust your own instincts, unless Aunti M tells you different.
7. Constipation.
8. People I love who are in pain and I can't help, even by doing what I do best which is being a distraction.
9. People I don't love who are in pain and I can't or won't help because they've pissed me off so bad. But I'm tryin'.
10. Whatever it is, whomever it is that makes children afraid.
11. Flat stomachs. Where did this come from. You are born with round, not flat get a grip. The only people with flat stomachs are either twelve-year-old boys or people who spend so much time at the gym they don't have a life. You can't laugh very deeply with everything all tight down there.
Well, that's enough for now, and here come's Martha with my toddy. It is about time. Well, if you have something to say about all this, come on over, there's two rockers on the porch. I don't need to talk to Martha, she's here all the time, so I would (sort of) welcome the company. Just don't stay too long. . .
