Aunti M Goes to Canning Class

Martha here.  Well, I had signed up, was supposed to go, but something came up at the last minute, and Aunti M volunteered to take my place.  I should have thought about it a little more before I agreed, but lesson learned. . .

What the hell.  Being a domestic goddess requires freshening from time to time and when my friend Reenie said come on let's go, it will be fun, maybe we can can vodka tonics, I said OK.  It had been boring around Martha lately (what else is new?) as she had been fussing around with houseguests and that infernal garden.  I was itching to explore new territory.

Well, we showed up at the Cooperative Extension Service office with four other eager participants, no one else in sequined short shorts but what the hey.  The teacher seemed glad to see us, although she stared a little at my halter top, but it is summer, people!  We got a nice folder with all manner of handouts and the Ball Canning Book.  Well, that set Reenie off, as canning balls sounded even better than canning vodka, but then Reenie has just broken up (again) with her biker friend Rufus.  So it was on.

The teacher was all excited about the green beans we were going to can because they didn't have strings and wasn't that just "a wonder of the modern world."  Reenie raised her hand immediately and wanted to know if they were GMO's and the teacher didn't know what that was.

Reenie, I said, under my breath, maybe they are just born that way, but Reenie has a thing about GMO's; she has been going to meetings.  So this was a big deal.

Well, we broke them up anyway, the green beans, sitting around a table set just for this occasion, the teacher showing us how to use the knife so it was easier, and making sure we understood all the pieces needed to be the same size.  I asked her if she had a ruler, and she said, going to get one, "why that is the first time in canning class that anyone wanted to do things exactly the right way."  This seemed to make her very happy.

Which was good because this buttressed her against future disappointments when we moved on to grape jelly.

She was pulling a hot jar full of boiling water out of a kettle on the stove just as Reenie made a crack about how the grape juice smelled like the Baptist Church on communion Sunday, "the cheapskates".  The teacher dropped the jar and boiling water splashed across the counter toward two of the completely innocent students.  Well, everybody but the teacher thought this was funny.  She kept saying this was the worst thing that had ever happened in canning class but nobody was listening because Reenie had moved on to telling about sneaking into the Episcopal Church so she could get the real thing.

As she ran for towels, sprigs of her hairdo began to stick out, here and there.

Reenie won the door prize which was a box of old canning jars someone had found in their basement. And she deserved it because she was the one who asked the most questions. It turns out according to the United States Department of Agriculture, which the teacher explained to us is the god of canning,  Reenie, her mother and her grandmother, all still alive, have been doing it all wrong, start to finish. The teacher was very patient and it seems we should all be grateful that Reenie is still with us.

We had such a good time, Reenie and I discussed it and decided we wanted to sign up for every class this teacher taught.  I mean imagine what you could learn to pickle.  We asked the teacher and I guess she is really popular because she said all her classes were already full to overflowing, too bad.

Reenie said she was going to practice at home and maybe even enter a jar of beans in the County Fair.  The teacher explained that the judges are very particular and want the brand of jar to match the brand of lid and the beans, of course, we know this now, to be all exactly the same size.  Reenie said maybe she could find a tequila worm that could just kind of float around at the bottom.

First prize is $4.50, coincidentally, the same price as a beer and a bump down at Tony's Tap and Tanning Salon.  If she wins, I'll let you know and we'll meet her down there. . .

An Update on Aunti M's Public Service

Aunti M is in a rage over an incident she heard about over the holidays.  Evidently some man was fired from his job over his pooting, reported by suffering colleagues to be as much as 12-15 times per day.  Open the damn window!  Aunti M said, unaware of modern ventilation systems.  Evidently she has taken to her Facebook page and is holding an organizational meeting of the Freedom to Fart Foundation which will come to his defense.  Rumors are that there will also be tee shirts; among them:  Blame the Dog! ; and Left Behind!; and The Toot, The Whole Toot and Nothing but the Toot!   I am scheduled to serve toddies and bean soup. I was hoping she would wait until Spring when the meeting could be held outdoors but evidently time is of the essence.

I asked her if she wanted to comment but she said no, she was too busy with the press list.  I was hoping she would agree to just print media, for obvious reasons, but no, she wants the entire effect.  I thought you all would want to know. . .wish us luck.