Martha here: I just want to warn everybody that there is a reason for Silence from Aunti M for the last little while. Bless her. You know she’s never been a real business person. Her idea of a savings account was an extra large bra so the men could stuff in more dollar bills. However, she has a number of younger friends and they’ve all been on these new health regimens since the year turned over. Some of them even have corporate incentive plans. Well, you can imagine how well all this is going over. She came storming into the kitchen last night with a new business idea: the “Aunti M Kick Your Ass Into Gear Motivational Package” (Regular and Deluxe). Well, she’s right here, and wants to explain. . .
Good god awlmighty. I just have to say something. Three of my dearest friends have turned to the Dark Side and I’m afraid if I don’t speak up, this kind of thing is going to spread. I’ve never seen anything like it. Instead of hanging out with me, planning trips and fun things to do, they are all staying in, counting calories and car-bo-hy-drate grams like it was the last change under the seat and they were out of cigs. Oh, and if you think all the counting is bad, they are also cutting back on their d-r-i-n-k-i-n-g. Just because the calendar added a number, one, that’s all, added one number. Suddenly, in the middle of the night, when December 31st turned to January 1, somehow they decided their thighs were too big, their stomach was too poochy, the scale was their enemy, and they put away their wine glasses.
It has been no fun around here, I will tell you, and mighty mighty lonely. Between you and me, Martha is even doing it. I tell you, the woman is obsessed. She weighs before and after she plucks her chin hairs (I'm not kidding.)
So, since you might has well join them, if you can’t beat them, and I’m having to waste my own time standing in line for contraband french fries not allowed in the damn house, I’ve decided to come up with my own Health Enhancement Incentive Plan by Aunti M Herself.
One of my friends (and if I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’), belongs to this company where they pay her cash money to keep track of the foods she eats, the exercise she does, and the goals she reaches. She got paid to sign up, and they gave her this big box with a human scale, a food scale (who weighs their food?) measuring cups, little calorie counting booklets, some stretchy things that you are supposed to put over your foot and bend it back and forth. I guess you get points for that too. Oh and gift cards. . .to restaurants? What is that about? I wonder if you take that gift card and you order a chocolate milk shake and a double bacon cheeseburger and cheese fries and a shot of bourbon if it won’t cash at the end of it? Maybe it will only cash if you order a bowl of lettuce with a squirt of vinegar and skim milk. She hasn’t tested it, so we’ll let you know.
Well Aunti M thinks all this is a bit extreme and she is worried that we in this country, that was once America, are promoting the wrong values. And you know Aunti M has always been a Stand -Up Kind of Girl (well, most of the time. . .there have been moments if you know what I mean. Oh my my my. . .) (my my my my. . .)
But I digress. . .here is The Thing. Aunti M has noticed that there is a hell of lot of Anxiety floating around. And now that Donald Trump, with our help, may elect himself President of His Own Reality, the World Included, well it has only gotten worse. And then there’s Isis, and the number of friends you have on Facebook, and whether this morning when you got up there was the tiniest zit that was too little to do anything about but by the time you are in that important meeting at 3:30, it promises to come into the room before you get there. This is all before you get to your thighs and your poochy stomach, which we all suck in when we need to. And all That is before we get to your family, which is sicker than most, everybody agrees to that, and yes we know that if they would just listen to you, just this once - well, their problems would be solved. We know. Believe us, we know.
And there is nothing wrong with thinking that maybe a salad instead of french fries from time to time would aid your digestion (which has been getting trickier, now hasn’t it? We’ve noticed your spending a little more time in the bathroom. . .) And Aunti M likes a fruit or vegetable or two, mostly fermented and in a bottle, but fresh isn’t so bad. . .
The problem is The Big Deal. The problem is when the calorie counting and the carb counting, oh and I forgot until just now!!!! The Fitbit wearing. Holy Self-Absorbed Minutiae! You may not have heard about this, but there is this plastic thing that you actually pay (substantial) money for and you put it on your wrist and it ensures that you will never have another anxiety-free moment. Why? Because every second of the world, you can check to see if you have taken enough steps (I’m not kidding) or what your heart rate is (which is going to be up because you keep checking on it, and won’t let it rest and every time it seems like you haven’t taken enough steps (to where?) you start doubling back and forth like a demented person). Oh, and I haven’t mentioned that you don’t even get a break when you are asleep. Or you just think you are asleep! Until the next morning and you can check for sure! All those years that you blissfully slept away or thought you did, Unveiled. Now you get to also worry about how many times you turned over and whether that was too much, or more than you turned over the night before.
So Aunti M, in service to the Republic for which it stands, has come up with her own plan. And she is offering it here. You are the first to see, so Take - It - All - In. . .
With the Standard Package, price to be determined but if you order in the next 25 minutes, it will be a whopping 25% off:
1) Signing Bonus: when you sign up, Aunti M gets a signing bonus; after all she is the one to go to all the trouble to put this together;
2) Aunti M is your new Life Coach, available an hour or so a day, just before and just after Happy Hour. That way you can get the advantage of both Fabulous Aunti M and Slightly More Mellow Fabulous Aunti M;
3) Gift Cards: Aunti M, through her vast network, is able to offer to this Exclusive Community the following deals:
a) Ol’Harry’s Suds and Sudz: if you go down there (Hwy 253, just past the American Legion) and drink and do your laundry before 4 p.m., Harry will throw in a bag of chips. Just be sure to ask for the Doritos instead of the potato chips, they have more fiber.
b) The Pilot Station, Hwy 621, only when Eunice is working, 3-10a.m., Tuesday and Thursday (she has her mother to take care of, which by the way is a Charter Member of This Very Club). Eunice has a case of only-slightly-outdated beef jerky in the back. (Melvin let her have it for free. . .well not exactly for free but their relationship is none of my business). Well anyway, if you show Eunice your Aunti M Health Plan Membership Card and buy a giant fountain drink (diet of course) Eunice will punch your card for a slightly stiff beef jerky - up to five while supplies last!
c) For the literary-minded: Aunti M’s Maurice works at the newstand down at the bus station. You may not know this, but at the end of the month, when the new magazines arrive, they come and get the old ones and tear the covers off (abuse, but there is too much else in the world to worry about). Well, Maurice has a deal with that guy and if you get there on the last day of the month and stick your chewing gum on the ones you want, well Maurice will save them for you. (AGAIN - Important: YOU MUST HAVE A MEMBERSHIP CARD TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS BENEFIT.)
The Deluxe Package.
Well, actually Aunti M is still working on the Deluxe Package, and part of what she is able to offer is going to depend on you. The more of you that sign up, the more Money Aunti M’s New Venture will have to work with, developing even more benefits for even more money, reducing Aunti M’s already low anxiety. (See Happy Hour Coaching, available above.)
However, here are some Sneak Peaks:
1) Discounts on Aunti M’s Workout Gear. These are still in the early stages but do you remember Aunti M’s sequined short shorts she wore to the canning workshop with Reenie? Well, just imagine. . .
2) And a Special Senior’s Line: bra cups closer to the waistline where they belong, spanx for the knees, etcetera.
3) An On-Porch support group, with actual people, sitting in actual rockers, next to each other, for real.
The Hard-Core Single-Malt Package:
For the select few: Aunti M will lock up your cell-phone, fitness tracker, tablet and laptop. She will refuse to reveal the combination, however you badger her. You pay by the hour and the longer you last, the more Aunti M points you are awarded. Meanwhile, you can spend that time with her and other friends on the porch (see above) (Martha will serve toddies and french fries). Guaranteed to reduce your blood pressure, your resting heart rate, and the rocking counts as exercise! You can cash in your Aunti M Rewards with Ol’ Harry, Eunice, Maurice, or for future work-out gear.
Well, this is enough. Aunti M is worn out with all this thinking. Time for some refreshment. Don’t call. I don’t want to talk to anybody. But ponder all this and let me know.
