Aunti M Goes Viral. . .

Martha here.  Aunti M is a little pissed off.  It has something to do with being government classified as"elderly."  From what I can tell, she thinks it outrageous that anyone wearing sequined short shorts should be classified as "old", much less "elderly" which she said is pumped up old and even worse.  She's been ranting for awhile.  I took her a toddy to calm her down, and she said she was ready for your questions.

Q.  Aunti M., Covid 19 is a respiratory illness, right?  So why the run on toilet paper?

A.M.  Well finally.  I've been waiting on this porch for what seems like damn forever.  Finally, Martha brought me my toddy, and I've already put in my order for Number Two. And Three while she's at it. And then she moved the rocking chairs six damn feet apart, measuring with a ruler.  The world has spun out of control, I'm telling you.  I'm not even sure I recognize it.  I wake up every morning opening my eyes to what I remember as normal, and then before I get a nip sneaked into my coffee it dawns on me that its all inside out.  I can't go anywhere. Nobody much can come see me.  And the 52nd annual Strippers and Pole Dancers Emeritus convention has been cancelled!  For the first time in 52 years.  What the Motel Six down at Highway 29 is going to do without us, I do not know.  We've kind of been the highlight for the past several years I don't mind saying.   Seeing as how we tend to draw a crowd.  Harold, down at the local paper - editor, publisher, reporter and photographer - comes every year, just to see us and take our picture, which always makes it to the front page, above the fold.  Unfortunately, our numbers are dwindling.  The good news is that everybody but me is spreading so we take up the same amount of space. 

But you had a question?  Oh, right, about toilet paper.  You know, at first glance, and to the normal person, that would seem a mystery.  But not to your Aunti M.  You came to the right place, sit right over there.  Oh good.  You brought your own toddy, excellent since the service around here is sketchy on a good day.  Here's the thing.  If you listen carefully, every time there is another announcement about what they are calling the coronavirus, what happens in your very own brain?  Over and over?  If you listen you will hear yourself say, "Oh shit." Not just you but everybody around you, over and over.  The next thing they tell you about it, "Oh shit."  And then the next thing is even worse, "Oh shit" again.  And everybody knows that the more often something is in your brain, the more you believe it.  In fact, if you think about it, there are a lot of people pretending to be news networks that make millions of dollars just on this one thing!  But I digress. So if the main thing that is ping-ponging in your brain over and over is "oh shit, not that too" then when you go into the grocery store thinking you are going to buy light bread and a six-pack, you are going to be what they call subconsciously led over to the toilet paper aisle, and there it goes into your cart.  "Sub" stands for where you can't see it, and "con" means a trick, and "scious" is french for hush now, just follow along and don't make trouble.  So there you are tricked by your own brain into buying more toilet paper even though you don't have a coupon and its not Super Doubles Thursday with the senior discount.

Q.  But Aunti M, what am I going to do with all this toilet paper?

A.M.  Honey, if you have to ask for instructions, you need more help than your Aunti M. can give you. 

Well, Aunti M has dozed off, but she asked me to tell you that if you had any more questions she would be glad to answer them.  After her post-nap toddy, of course.  And she wanted you to know that she would stay open for business no matter what happens, as she knows how much you all depend on her.