Martha here. Holiday greetings, pa rum pa pum pum. Quick note to say that Aunti M is back home now. The Mall cops, after a bit of persuading, and a little softened up with Christmas cheer, agreed to release her to our custody, without charges. But I’ll let Aunti M tell the story, even though she is still mad.
I am dadgummit, I am mad but you would be too. Who knew Santa didn’t have a sense of humor. And it was all in fun, honestly, but what is the world coming to if a girl can’t get her jollies at Christmas?
It all started Christmas Eve. Toddies for breakfast, Fa La La La La, and there was a little extra so I put it in my flask. It seemed the perfect day to go sit in Santa’s Lap for awhile, and to dress for the occasion. It had been a long time since Aunti M had had on a garter belt and it took her awhile to find the candy cane stockings, the ones that go with the red elf miniskirt and the little fur top, but a few little nips later, and your Aunti M was a thing to behold. It took a little while to get the TaTas and the black patent leather belt to coexist peacefully, but finally, twas done.
Martha took one look at me and said, “Oh no you don’t” and it was then I realized I was going to have to take this thing into my own hands. Since she wouldn’t drive me (sometimes she is such a drag), I called Clarence, my friend who makes special deliveries for "Likkers", his uncles's liquor store and doggy day care franchise. Seeing as how it was Christmas Eve, and about all his customers were captive one way or the other, he came right on over.
“To the Mall!” I said and away we flew. We got there at about the tail end of the Santa display. There were only a few children left in line and Santa was looking a little ragged. The elves were checking their watches and leaving for long smoke breaks. According to one of them Santa had already been peed on twice, but a quick mopping up had left only a slight dampness and the faintest aroma. Finally, finally, it was my turn.
“Oh Holy Night” said Santa when he saw me, well it might have been something else, but that’s what I heard. “Santa Baby” I said, crawling right on up onto those massive thighs, just as he was trying to get up to welcome me. Wiggled myself on down in there, and pulled out the flask. “Little nip?” I asked him. “Well, why not”, Santa said,” it’s been a long day.”
They were already starting to take down the candy cane fence and pull up the cotton batting with the spray snow, so Santa and I just sat for a minute, resigned to it all, and enjoying the moment, me wiggling into his lap, he with the flask. His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples - how merry! His nose, his nose! More and more like a cherry!
I was just refilling the flask for the third time from the bottle in my toysack when the Mall Cop lumbered by. He did a double-take - those stockings on these legs the with the garters slightly showing have always been an eye-catcher - “Wait a minute. . .” and over he came. . .”well here’s a ho ho ho,” he said.
Well, that’s when things kind of got out of control. I won’t go into detail because you don’t need to know everything but Clarence had been called in for an emergency delivery to Morton’s Rest Home and Tanning Salon (Motto: turn em and tan em), so that left me without a ride. Santa sure wasn’t in any condition to drive. Well, truth be told, I wasn’t either, so that’s where Martha had to get re-involved.
Well anyway. It is Christmas, the season forgiving, so I’m sure everybody has taken a lighter view of all this by now. Come on over anytime. We have plenty of fruitcake. My elf outfit just about doesn’t smell of urine anymore, its been washed three times, and we are all looking forward to New Year’s.
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