Dueling Ta Ta's?

Auntie M.  

I’ve recently been diagnosed with a recurrent breast cancer and now it seems the only course is a mastectomy.  I have the option of reconstruction, but if I do one of the girls will be my age, mid-fifties, another more like a 25-year-old.  Seems to me this could be trouble.  What do you think?

Signed, 

Unsure in the Body Part Department. . .

Dearest Unsure,

First of all honey, let me just say how sorry we are that you are having to go through this again.  Once is more than enough in Auntie M’s book.  Although Auntie M has known several women who say cancer was the best thing that happened to them as it revved up their joie de vivre and made them realize how precious life is in general, let's find a cure for this thing and get our joie de vivre a different way;  chocolate and afternoon delight come to mind.

But on to your question. You have certainly come to the right person, as bosoms and the proper glorification of same was key to one of Auntie M’s careers.  And with two such different specimens on display at the same time, well, one would certainly notice if one was at one latitude, and the other further south; the first rather perky and nerf-ball esque, the second, shall we say, more relaxed, as one tends to be after a long career and multiple children. Plus twenty-five year olds can be rather disdainful toward their more mature sisters and you don't want that kind of attitude on your chest.  And, when you take your shirt off, which we all want to do from time to time, well, that just seems too confusing for all concerned.

We’re guessing that another option is to showcase the remaining breast, let it not have to compete for once in its life, be the Main Event.  (Auntie M is picturing a celebratory tattoo. . .or two.)  And seeing  as how brassieres are all duos, a Pretend Boob could be a place holder under that shirt of yours during the daytime, and no one would be the wiser. Then at night, when it is just you and your sweetie, well, it seems to Auntie M that that is the Most Important Time to be All You, not you plus a nerf ball.

Now, here comes Martha with my toddy, but before she gets here let me just say this.  It is absolutely true that God made breasts, and they are Fabulous, including yours, we’re sure. But God also made cockroaches and Maury Povich, and that doesn’t mean we can’t do without them.  You are so very precious, trust Auntie M on this, she is one of many who feels this way, with or without any one of your parts. Plus, we all need more exercise and you'll be an absolute whiz bang in Senior Archery. Invite Auntie M to the awards ceremony, that's all we ask.  We'll bring the punch. . .